I love Fairy Tales. I love them because of their dark charm. The first time I heard the oldest version of Little Red Riding Hood (where a slab of Grandma’s flesh rests on the table), I had shivers down my spine and goosebumps all over my arms. Despite this, I am a sucker for light hearted happy ever after tales, especially Disney. Many have issues with Disney changing classics but in all fairness, they simply do what all good storytellers do, they make it their own and to fit their audience.
Disney has a great way of taking something dark and purging it so the original tale still carries a lot of its themes and intent. Originally, Cinderella’s step sisters cut off parts of their feet in a desperate attempt to bag the prince. In Hans Christen Andersen’s original version of The Little Mermaid, the poor mute girl ends up losing out in the deal, seeing the Prince marry someone else and so deciding there is nothing else she can do, tombstones off a cliff and turns into foam. Still, give the dream factory their due, they managed to churn and turn those dark sided tales into wide-eyed, cute and happy tales.
This cannot be done for all fairy tales.
There are some so dark, I dare even Mickey himself to manage to listen to them.
Below is a list of five tales that I personally think should a) never be Disney films and/or b) Disney could never save them from their darkness. If they did try, it would be like watching Game of Thrones in Vietnam, where all the naughty bits are chopped out giving you ten minutes of bearded blokes nodding and walking into rooms.
Disney has a great way of taking something dark and purging it so the original tale still carries a lot of its themes and intent. Originally, Cinderella’s step sisters cut off parts of their feet in a desperate attempt to bag the prince. In Hans Christen Andersen’s original version of The Little Mermaid, the poor mute girl ends up losing out in the deal, seeing the Prince marry someone else and so deciding there is nothing else she can do, tombstones off a cliff and turns into foam. Still, give the dream factory their due, they managed to churn and turn those dark sided tales into wide-eyed, cute and happy tales.
This cannot be done for all fairy tales.
There are some so dark, I dare even Mickey himself to manage to listen to them.
Below is a list of five tales that I personally think should a) never be Disney films and/or b) Disney could never save them from their darkness. If they did try, it would be like watching Game of Thrones in Vietnam, where all the naughty bits are chopped out giving you ten minutes of bearded blokes nodding and walking into rooms.
The Armless Maiden
Collected by Alexander Afanasyev and found in Narodnye russkie skazki.
Let’s start ‘light’ with this Russian tale of a young woman, blamed by her sister-in-law for numerous things in some vain attempt to get her out of the house. Her brother ignores and excuses each time, up until his deranged wife chops their own new-born son’s head off and blames the girl. He takes her out in a carriage, crashes it, and gets her entangled in some vines. As she attempts to wrestle free he chops off her hands and leaves her for dead. As I write I have visions of Jeremy Kyle’s tagline for the episode stewing in my brain. |
She meets a guy, has a baby with golden arms, and tries to tell him of this wonderful news, only to have the crazy wife meddling to sabotage each message. Eventually, his parents decide to tie the baby to her and send her off on her way. Whilst at a well, the baby falls in (as if she hasn’t suffered enough) and thanks to the wise words of an old man, she reaches into the well. Her arms grow back, she saves her baby and then confronts her brother and sister-in-law revealing what happened. The mad wife gets dragged by a horse until all that is left is her hair.
Biancabella
Written by Giovanni Francesco Straparola in The Facetious Nights of Straparola.
Her name sounds like the Italian version of an EastEnders character but she is far from that! The tale begins with a snake crawling into a woman (not a euphemism) and curling up in her womb. After some time, she gives birth to a baby girl who has snake wrapped around her neck. The snake is not some pre-natal fashion accessory and is in fact her sister. The snake slithers away and they are not reunited until years later. Her slithering sister has magical powers and transforms Biancabella into a gorgeous beauty and as generally happens in such tales, she was quickly married off to a Royal.
Whilst her husband is off fighting a war, his stepmother plans to rid herself of Biancabella and so pays some guards to take her away and kill her. The guards didn’t have it in them to do it and instead, simply pluck out her eyes and cut off her hands (because that was obviously the kinder thing to do in such a situation.) She pleads for her sister to rescue her, and just as she is about to kill herself, is saved by the snake. Restored with all her features intact, she returns to the King, explains what occurred and watches on as the King hurls his step-mother into a furnace.
Whilst her husband is off fighting a war, his stepmother plans to rid herself of Biancabella and so pays some guards to take her away and kill her. The guards didn’t have it in them to do it and instead, simply pluck out her eyes and cut off her hands (because that was obviously the kinder thing to do in such a situation.) She pleads for her sister to rescue her, and just as she is about to kill herself, is saved by the snake. Restored with all her features intact, she returns to the King, explains what occurred and watches on as the King hurls his step-mother into a furnace.
The Myrtle Tree
Written by Giambattista Basile in his 1634 work, the Pentamerone.
If you haven’t been grossed out yet, then congratulations, however this one notches the gear up again. If women lounging around in gardens and birthing snakes wasn’t strange enough, this one starts with a peasant woman birthing a stick and selling it to a Prince. The Prince puts the Myrtle Tree in his bedroom and during the night, a stunningly beautiful fairy (that lives in the tree that the peasant woman gave birth to) sneaks into his bed and gives him a night to remember. He soon becomes so infatuated with her that his seven regular prostitutes (one for every day of the week?) become quickly unemployed and as all disgruntled staff do, turn to plotting revenge. They discover the fairy in his bedchambers and smash her skull, break off parts of her body like some poor victimised daddy-long legs being tortured by a 10 year-old and then sneak off with a souvenir of her before the Prince can catch them.
A servant comes in to find the bloody remains on the floor, and so distraught, buries them in the soil of the pot which holds the Myrtle Tree. The fairy magically reforms, reveals to the Prince what has happened and the prostitutes are punished by being buried alive in the public sewers.
The Robber Bridegroom
Collected by the Brothers Grimm, tale number 40.
The last two spots are taken by Brothers Grimm tales, and rightly so. The Robber Bridegroom is one of those lovely classic tales that involves a pretty woman being promised away to a fine upstanding citizen who turns out to be a bit of a cannibal. The soon to be wed couple have a bit of a long distance relationship which bothers the rich suitor. He invites her to visit him and upon arriving at the house in the woods, she discovers a bird in a cage and an old woman. Now normally these things wouldn’t seem so ominous except for the fact that they were both warning her to turn back and I quote “Get the hell out of Dodge” (Bird in Cage et al). But it is too late, people are coming and so the old woman hides the bride-to-be behind some barrels. The people making the noise are the rich suitor and his many mates, (perhaps on some far-fetched stag do that would make even Edinburgh blush) and they are dragging behind them - another young woman. To end their evening, they decide to kill the woman, strip her naked and pull her into pieces to eat. One of the monstrous fellows decides he likes the golden ring on the victim’s finger and so chops her finger off. The finger and ring disappear out of sight and is shrugged off whilst in actual fact; it has fallen into the lap of the hiding woman. After their ‘Hannibal Lecter’ themed party comes to an end, they fall asleep, providing the perfect opportunity for the woman to escape. The wedding day arrives and during the ceremony, instead of the traditional “Does anyone object…?” moment, instead they ask the bride for a story. She tells them of what she saw, pulls out the finger (her something borrowed) and the groom and his mates all get put to death for being people eaters.
The Juniper Tree
Collected by the Brothers Grimm, tale number 47.
Now this one really does win the prize for most messed up horrific fairy tale. The story starts with another step-mother wanting to get rid of someone. If anything, it’s a good thing that Julia Roberts Stepmom movie exists otherwise step-parents would have the worst stereotypical reputation going! She invites her husband’s son to fetch an apple from a chest, slams it down and cut’s his head off. Yup, that’s how it starts. Following this, she carefully places his head back on his body, ties a scarf around the wound and props him up in his favourite little chair. She warns her daughter, his little sister, that if her brother ignores her then treat him with a slap. As you would expect, the corpse provides no response and so the little girl whacks him round the ear, only to see her dear brother’s head roll off and onto the floor. The stepmother suddenly becomes an evil mastermind, one that would make the Criminal Minds team put on the coffee pot and cancel their dinner plans. They cover up the death by chopping up his body parts and mixing them into that nights stew. The stew is stirred but no salt is added because the little girl cries so much during the cooking, that it flavours the stew. Mmm, salty tears.
They serve the concoction to the boy’s father who proclaims it to be more delicious than a horse-meat lasagne. After dinner, the little sister carries the remains of the boy and buries them beneath the Juniper tree outside. With that, a bird launches out of the tree and goes around singing a song to various different tradesmen, collecting up all sorts of things in the process, like shoes and gold and… a millstone. The bird returns to the tree and continues to sing. The boy’s father steps outside to see and is given a golden chain, the little girl comes out and she is given the red shoes. This sparks curiosity from the step-mother who ventures out, rubbing her hands in anticipation, only to have the millstone dropped on her head, crushing her and effectively killing her.
So there you have it Disney. I challenge you to turn these into lovely versions or perhaps one acceptable for a child audience! It is of course worth mentioning that the title of the book that the Brothers Grimm stories come from is of course, Children’s and Household Tales. Guess kids had a stronger stomach back then, unless of course it had been put in a stew and soft boiled!
So there you have it Disney. I challenge you to turn these into lovely versions or perhaps one acceptable for a child audience! It is of course worth mentioning that the title of the book that the Brothers Grimm stories come from is of course, Children’s and Household Tales. Guess kids had a stronger stomach back then, unless of course it had been put in a stew and soft boiled!